How to give up your individuality so someone will like you

It's been a long time for some reason since MSN has greeted me with a headline promising annoying and sexist dating/love advice. I was about to give up hope but then today I lucked out with a headline explaining that there are 7 habits that kill romance. Sure that I had some of them (listening to 60's girl groups and singing along? making sarcastic comments at every Bush speech on television? drinking diet soda with vodka?) or that my boyfriend did (dedicating farts to loved ones?), I dove right in.

Much to my amazement, the article was not dedicated to people who already have someone to annoy with their habits, but at someone who hopes to have someone to annoy in the future but fears said annoying habits might drive that special someone away. The idea is to divest yourself of your charming eccentricities so as not to scare away the dull, easily annoyed squares you hope to date. Annoying advice, to be sure. But sexist? It seems to be aimed at both sexes. Of course, I shouldn't have worried. Any dating advice aimed at sentient beings from MSN is likely to be grossly sexist. But onto the seven things that are too personal to be shared with someone you consider your intimate friend.

1. 45-minute showers

The cutely sexist advice advises that women shouldn't have to cut back as much as men. Why, I don't know, but I guess because we need our long showers because we are vainer or stinkier or both. I would point out that if your hot water heater gives you 45 minutes of shower, it must have its own bedroom. Anyway, you shouldn't take 45 minute showers for the sake of conservation. Being an enviromentalist is attractive, so if that were the reasoning, it would be good advice. But the reasoning seems to be that it's rude to commandeer the bathroom for so long. They seem to be unaware that many of us perverts actually will share a shower with a loved one who is in a hurry. The pluses to sharing are that you save water and you can get someone to scrub your back for you.

The principle behind this advice is that it's wrong to just take over a corner of the house and tell everyone else to bug off for a period of time. This advice is absolutely wrong. Having your time and space to yourself is the only way to make a relationship work. Take my word for it. How else are you gonna think up stuff to blog, after all?

2. Spoiled pets

For some reason, the writer thinks that spoiling pets is a particularly female trait.

Even if he's a pet lover, your boyfriend will be horrified.

How the stereotype got out that women spoil pets much to men's chagrin I will never know. Pet spoiling knows no gender. In my house, I am the voice of reason, pointing out that if the cats get every treat they ask for, they will become insufferable.

Anyway, it's not good advice. Spoiling the pets is one of those activities that many couples participate in together and it keeps them closer. Also, a spoiled pet is a good way to weed out people who will give you trouble in the future--if someone pitches a fit early on about a spoiled pet, you can show him/her the door and move on.

3. "Casual Sunday"

Apparently, the writer thinks that it's really unattractive to lay around in your pajamas all day on Sunday. Far be it for me to make implications about what this says about his sex life, but in what world is it not sexy to have better things to do than put your clothes on? Especially after staying up all night so that you need to sleep in until 2:00 PM? Believe me when I tell you that plenty of people are not really turned on by someone who leaps out of bed at 7:00 AM on Sunday morning, ready to take on the day.

4. All TV, all the time

The sex that is seen as needy enough to leave the TV on all the time for "company" is female. The person that would be annoyed by this behavior is referred to only with the masculine pronoun. Someone needs to let them know at MSN that women can read now and have no more need for constant television blather than men.

5. Pretzels in bed

In a weak attempt to offend both sexes equally, the writer singles out this as a male habit. However, it's still a woman's fault.

(guys are especially partial to this habit — it has something to do with getting yelled at by mom).

6. Aimless whistling

No telling if singing in the shower is also an impeachable offense. Or talking to yourself. I will say that I support this advice. Take up show tunes in the shower, if you must. You might actually win a karaoke contest one day with the practice.

7. Lack of silverware

This advice is sexist but also really, really weird, so I will quote it in full.

This one's especially for the men — After a certain age, a guy resigns himself to the fact that he doesn't need full dining-room service for four — one or two plates, an enormous bowl, and a knife and spork will do just fine (as well as make washing dishes a less onerous task). If you suspect a romance is in your future, invest in table settings for at least two.

Men should be offended that the writer thinks they are too dumb to realize that if you have someone over to dinner, she would probably like a fork of her own.

And if you think it'll be a really serious romance, go crazy and buy three or four.

Is he saying what I think he's saying? If he is, I would venture to suggest that once there's three or four people involved, most of us wouldn't call it a "serious romance". No matter what you call it, I don't think it's strictly necessary to serve a full dinner when arranging a three- or four-some; drinks will probably do. I imagine that Miss Manners would agree with me.