They forgot the first time you have to go grocery shopping together

A nauseatingly cute article on how to handle a series of "firsts" from MSN, partnering with Lifetime instead of with Match this time.

Nothing is sweeter than a first kiss. Not so nice, though, is that first fight, or calling him for the first time, or trying to figure out how to bring up the M word when you've never discussed it before. But navigating these dating "firsts" carefully is key, because the truth is that a lot of guys use them to decide whether a romance should move forward.

As usual, we find that only men can decide when a relationship will go forward or end, and don't assume otherwise.

Want the goods on getting to happily ever after? We asked top experts to guide you from first to finish.

When I first read that sentence, I thought they meant the actual goods--the diamonds and dishware you get when you get married. I need my coffee.

First hello
This is no time to be shy, sister. So flirt, flirt, flirt. Swish your hair. Tilt your head and flash a smile. "A man needs to know that you're interested in him," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love." "If you send ambiguous signals, he'll think you're not interested."

Dating tip from a certain intern: Pull your thong over the top of your pants and snap the elastic at him. He'll know you like him then.

First telephone call
Dial up his interest -- and retain an air of mystery -- by keeping the call short. "Most guys don't like to spend time on the phone," says Schwartz. "And if you hang up first, it'll show him that you're not overly needy."

My suggestion is to not answer the phone at all when he calls. If some mystery is good, a lot of mystery is better. Make him wonder if you're even alive.

First date
Look your best, but look like you by keeping your makeup clean and neutral. "Enhance your features without masking them," says Judy Irizarry, senior makeup artist at M.A.C.

Unless those features are a bunch of zits. They you might want to mask them.

As for the date itself, invert the classic "dinner and a movie" formula. "Seeing the movie first gives you something to talk about over dinner," says Steve Nakamoto, author of "Men Are Like Fish."

I was intrigued by the title of his book and missed what he said. How are men like fish? They're easy to grill quickly? They are full of omega 3 fatty acid? So I googled his name and found this. Apparently men are like fish because, like fish, they have to be lured in with false promises of a hearty worm meal and then left to flop around until they die or marry you, whichever comes first. Or something like that.

Choose a corner table and sit side-by-side for your post-flick tete-a-tete... "Men are threatened when you stare at them directly," says Fisher. "They feel more comfortable when someone is next to them."

Apparently, men are not like fish, who actually don't give a shit if you stare at them directly. Go to your local aquarium and see. Men are like my cat Katy, who startles easily. Stare at them directly, and they will hide under the bed for sure.

First evening at your place
Switch off that overhead! "Low lighting is the fastest way to instant romance," says Nina Willdorf, author of "City Chic, An Urban Girl's Guide to Livin' Large on Less." Use a mixture of indirect lighting, such as candles and lamps angled toward the wall, but don't overdo it. You want him to think "This is so cozy and sweet" and not "There are so many candles; this place might catch on fire." And setting the tone might even lead to something more.

Once again, I do have to wonder if they are talking about Martian men, because our Earth men are usually convinced they want to sleep with a woman when they go home with her, and don't need further persuasion.

First-time sex
Don't reveal all your bedroom moves at once. "If you do acrobatics out of the starting gate, the experience becomes less intimate and more pressured," says Schwartz.

This is so not true. I find that doing a backflip into bed is just the sort of thing that will make a man want to marry you then and there.

Instead, let him get to know your body. He might offer something better than what you could think up on your own, she says. (Wow!)

Sure he will, and he'll manage without any instruction on your part. That's known to work every time.

The first morning after
Wake up first and banish bad breath, then apply tinted lip conditioner. "It'll take you just a minute to freshen up. Then you can hop right back into bed," says Irizarry. "The idea is to look like you wake up like this."

Men think women never have bad breath and that the make-up just grows naturally on their faces. Women don't fart, either. I don't know how to explain the drool stains on the pillow away. Maybe blame him.

And act relaxed. "You can be loving, but don't make him breakfast," says Schwartz. "You don't want him to feel that he's going to get trapped."

Men, like Katy, are prone to clawing and scrambling when they feel trapped. And you will be coaxing him out from under the bed for hours if you make him breakfast. Better to just pretend he's not there at all.

First time he meets your friends and family
Be prepared: Mr. Wonderful might act strange with your gal pals. "Bizarre behavior happens because he feels competitive, or because he knows you've all been talking about him," says Fisher. "For example, he might be overly flirtatious with your friend because he wants to be liked," she says, noting that his funny attitude should soon disappear.

Seriously, dump the boyfriends that hit on your friends right in front of you, especially the ones that sneak off with your friends and return with their "funny attitude" all disappeared-like.

First fight
How you handle the argument now helps with future problems. "Work together as partners, rather than trying to convince him he is wrong or bad," says Matthew McKay, author of "When Anger Hurts."

Not sure how effective this is if the first fight is over the sneaking off with the friend.

"The goal is to both get what you want." Considering his point of view can turn a feisty fight into a productive conversation.

Nah, just tell him he's cute when he's angry. Guys love that stuff.

First time you talk marriage
Bring up the conversation naturally, such as when you're talking about a friend's upcoming nuptials. "Ask casually, 'What's your take on marriage?'

Good idea--ask him a nonsensical question and while he's trying to figure out what the fuck you just said, tackle him to the ground. Works every time.

" Then he has a chance to say if he's open to marriage," says Schwartz. And don't buy into anyone else's fantasy: "Marriage is very idiosyncratic," adds Fisher. "Nobody knows your situation the way you do." So follow your heart!

Marriage is so idiosyncratic that two people can't agree on what it is. They only solution, therefore, is to marry yourself. Or your dog, Santorum fans.