Smorgasbord of stereotypes

That's apparently what a woman wants in her man. I actually sympathize with the aims of this advice column to men, since the writer is doing her best to tell the readers that women don't actually need a guy to be either an over-the-top asshole or a total wimp in order to fall for him, contrary to the bitter myths that you will sometimes hear. But c'mon. The way to even the score is not to cart out a bucketload of offensive stereotypes of men, especially those that are downright confusing.

It’s just not that easy being a guy in this post-post-feminist era. How’s a man supposed to know anymore whether it’s cooler to be the strong, silent type, or the soft-spoken communicator? Do women prize the wild renegade, or crave the stable breadwinner? When it comes to the age-old bad boy vs. nice guy debate, what do women really want?

So many people love to ask this bemused question that I feel downright mean bursting their bubble. What do women want? Depends on the woman. Contrary to popular belief, we do not think with one mind.

Guys, the secret is out: women want it all.

So give up now. Oh wait, she didn't mean to make you despair.

Tough and tender. Whether you’re wielding a socket wrench or a kitchen spatula, being a capable man with a can-do attitude is a definite turn-on. Show her you have what it takes to step up to the plate, whether it be building a tree house, fixing a flat, or tenderly listening to her tales of woe when she’s had a bad day.

She's got a point. I would like someone who did everything around the house while I sat there drinking a glass of wine, but I don't think that's happening any time soon. I'm not really sold on how wielding a spatula makes you "tender", unless the sexist's worst nightmare is true--do one stereotypically female thing and you'll do them all! Make pancakes for breakfast, and next thing you know you have good listening skills and you cry while watching "Beaches". Well, I can testify it's not true. I touch cooking utensils everyday and that movie still makes me sick.

Playful and all grown up. A childlike spirit is a lot of fun, but a childish spirit is a lot of work. Be her best friend and favorite playmate, but don’t put her in the position of being your Mama by forgetting you’re an all-grown-up man who cleans up after himself, shares responsibilities, and treats her like a respected equal.

As we all know from watching SUV commercials, men are always in grave danger of actually turning into petulant children that exasperated women have to take care of.

Confident and curious. Confidence is sexy, but bullheadedness is boorish. Know your stuff and tell it like it is, but be sure and keep an open mind to new ideas and the opinions of others (especially hers!).

Well, the advice might help Rush Limbaugh in his next marriage, at least.

Complex and sane. A man with many interests and involvements is intriguing, but a man with excessive issues and bad-boy behaviors is irritating. If you’re carrying baggage or bad habits that are getting in the way of a healthy relationship, don’t expect your S.O. to take on the job of savior. Take your troubles to a therapist and do what needs to be done to put them in the past.

I'm not sure how having a lot of hobbies and interests can slip into being neurotic or an asshole. At worst, it might mean you're too busy, I'd think.

Let your lady friend revel in being your lover, your partner, and your biggest fan.

And hell, if you're up for a little bit of extra effort, you may even allow her to have an interest or two of her own.

Masculine and accessible. Masculine is hot, but macho is cold. Legends of the silver screen notwithstanding, the sex appeal of the strong, silent type is an outdated cultural myth. Women really appreciate a man who’s a man through and through, with the cojones to open up his heart and share his emotions.

Seemingly good advice that in reality creates the monster known as Sensitive Boy. We all know Sensitive Boy--manly yet very, very open to sharing his heart and emotions at length until you give in and sleep with him on the off chance he might shut up and move onto talking about movies and music again like a normal person.

Stable and spontaneous. Whether you’re a C.E.O. or an E.M.T., women like a man who takes pride in his work and does his job well. But a workaholic who loves his job more than life itself is no fun, so be sure and leave plenty of room in your schedule for quality downtime, whether it be taking her out for a night on the town or just relaxing in front of the tube, hand-in-hand.

That's a nice way of saying, "Have a job but don't disappear for two weeks at a time without notice."

So there you have it fellas--the secret to finding the love of your life. Women are like cats--skittish and finicky, wanting everything but not too much of anything. Your best bet is to have a distinct lack of personality, as that is sure to charm all the ladies.