Time to pick on everyone's favorite sex therapist

Well, she's not mine. Yes, it's Dr. Ruth at iVillage! And she's got 20 tips to improve your sex life that are guaranteed not to work or to make you feel pretty stupid.

1. Communicate with your partner about your sexual relationship.

Dammit--right out of the box she offers up common sense. Don't make this hard on me, Dr. Ruth.

This is the most important tip I can give because it will strengthen the bond between you. While it might feel uncomfortable at first, you'll feel even closer in the end. Tell him what you like most about your sex life.

The sex part, but he already knew that.

Of course, couples have problems they need to talk over.

Bring up such topics outside of the bedroom, during a quiet walk some evening.

"So what did you do at work today, baby?" "Dear, I want to talk about how you can't eat pussy to save your life."

2. Start foreplay as early as possible. Foreplay can begin as early as the morning of the night when you expect to have sex.

Sounds complicated.

Linger over your morning kiss instead of rushing off with a peck. During the day, do little things for each other: Give him a quick call at work or send him a sweet email.

This tip works best if you completely ignore your partner on days you don't expect to have sex.

3. During the day, remember that you are a sexual being. Even on the most hectic of days, take a few moments to think about your lover and maybe indulge in a quick sexual fantasy.

This is more a tip on how to while away time in meetings rather than enhance your actual relationship. Just make sure you don't doodle what you're thinking about. Some people sneak peeks at others' notes in meetings, in case you didn't know.

4. Make plans for sex. When both halves of a couple lead busy lives, sometimes the only way to leave time for sex is to literally put it on your schedule.

The new version of Outlook actually has a specific type of appointment button. There's "Free", "Busy", "Tentative", and now "Fucking" options when scheduling an appointment.

5. Don't forget that sex is supposed to be fun.

So quit playing a funeral dirge to get in the mood. Unless you're goth, of course. Or Angelina Jolie.

6. Start with a trip to the supermarket. Buy only items that could be integrated into love play, like whipped cream, chocolate sauce and maybe a banana or cucumber.Not only will you both be very aroused when you get home, but you'll probably get quite a laugh from the look on the face of the checkout clerk.

Can't I cheat and slip some coffee creamer in there? Seriously, is Dr. Ruth 12 years old? Whipped cream? Bananas? Who does this? If you really want to freak the clerk out, buy condoms, lube and an enema.

7. Take turns initiating sex. Sex should be fun for both parties, and getting things started should be just as equal -- and just as enjoyable.

Great plan, until you realize the dire consequences of forgetting whose turn it is and both people, unsure of how to proceed, give up on the whole idea of having sex ever again.

8. Remember that sexual stimulation is directly linked to intellectual stimulation. If you want to have sex later that night, be sure to spend time talking to each other first. Instead of watching TV in different rooms, tape your favorite show and spend some time together.

Got to be in the same room as someone to have sex with him. Check.

9. Try to guess each other's thoughts. Can you actually read your lover's mind? Probably not, but why not give it a try? Maybe you'll discover that you really are on the same wavelength.

If the ESP game isn't arousing, try a Ouija board next. That's sure to get your pulses racing.

10. Pretend that this is the last time you're going to see each other for quite some time. We've all seen those heart-wrenching pictures of soldiers saying goodbye to their wives as they go off to active duty. The next time you're with your partner, hold him or her in your arms and put yourselves in those shoes, or Army boots as it were. The emotions you'll feel will, I believe, give you a new appreciation for each other.

That's not nearly as fun a game as pretending you are strangers on a train, perhaps both finally relieved to be rid of your dull spouse.

11. Make a list of favorites. Everybody has favorites -- favorite colors, flowers, food, etc. Do you know your partner's list of favorite bedroom activities?

Sure. It's not difficult to figure out. I'll give you a hint, ladies. There is a certain part of a man's body that he generally feels positively about, and he will enjoy most anything that you do with it. Most of such a list will be variations on what I just told you, so I just saved you some time and paper.

12. Make even household chores sexy. If doing the laundry is a chore you don't like, here's a way to make it more interesting: Whoever takes on this duty has the right to request a striptease from his or her partner en route to the washing machine.

Even sexier if you do your laundry at the laundromat!

13. Keep time. How long does your partner like to have a particular body part licked, caressed, nibbled or otherwise tended to? Find out by using a stopwatch.

See if you can get the same result in less time the next time. Keep at it until you have the whole routine down to five minutes or less. You're efficient in the rest of you life, so why not here?

14. Get up and dance. Sitting at home, looking at each other with nothing to do? Put a CD on and dance. It will get your blood flowing, and who knows what that will lead to?

Well, my dancing tends to lead to other people laughing, but that's almost as good as sex, so okay.

15. Share your novel ideas. If you're hesitant to share your erotic fantasies with your partner, afraid of what he or she will think of you, suggest writing an erotic story together one night.

Remember, in sexy stories, the word is spelled "cum". That's how you know it's a sexy story.

16. Overcome RE (rental embarrassment)... Or better yet, buy one online or use a rental company with a delivery service.

Preferably one that leaves a package with "XXX" in huge letters on your doorstep.

17. Create a classic -- but don't keep it around for too long. If you find it exciting to tape yourselves making love, go ahead.

But don't freak out when you realize that you don't look like Jenna Jameson when you're having sex.

18. Make intercourse more orgasmic.

This tip just made me blush. Go read it yourself.

19. Caution, clitoris ahead.

This one just reminds me of that scene in the South Park movie. You know the one I'm talking about.

20. Skimp on the alcohol for better sex later.

Instead of having wine with dinner, substitute Ectasy. Maybe you can mix it with grape juice or something.