Wherein the Mouse finds out that she is neither sexy nor confident

I was going to do another list of New Year's Resolutions like msjared did, but instead I've decided the Cosmo quiz is where it's at, baby!

1. Fill in the blank: If you were a message T-shirt, you would read:
*Yummy
*My Boyfriends Are Out of Town
*Taken

Already I am on shaky ground, as all three T-shirts sound lame to me. I guess "Taken" since that's the vibe I attempt to give off in a shaky attempt not to get hit. Despite this, I welcome mild flirting.

2. On a coed ski trip, everyone's hopping into the Jacuzzi ... including a chick with a jaw-dropping Halle Berry bod. You:
*Hang by the hot tub fully clothed
*Feel a little daunted but wear a suit you know you look okay in
*Proudly sport a string bikini

I'm trying to imagine a world where I'd bring a swimsuit to a ski lodge. But assuming that Halle Berry told me that there'd be swimming, I guess I would still only bring my one single swimsuit, which is a halter top and girlie trunks. Which I guess I look okay in, so I'm going with #2. As for having sexy girls around who attract all the dogs away from me, well, I've never considered that a huge drawback, actually.

3. At a wedding, you spot a groomsman you'd love to have for dessert (screw the cake). You:
*Try to make eye contact with him
*Goose him on the dance floor
*Freeze up. What if he disses you?

Well, if I still had some mojo after I'm done screwing the cake (I guess for hypothetical situations, cake-screwing is my thing), I'd probably go talk to him. I'm a mouthy broad, you see, who attracts men by cracking jokes. But I guess I'll be going with #1, since my jokes fall flat if there's no eye contact.

4. When someone compliments your appearance, you:
*Say "Thanks, I'm loving it too!
*Can't help belting out "Ugh, really?
*Thank them, even if you don't agree

Options: Annoy people, hate myself, hate myself. Damn. I'm going with #3, since I try to say "Thank you," like my mom taught me.

5. How seductive do you act in front of your guy friends?
*Sometimes you'll torture 'em by changing your shirt in front of them
*You'd feel weird even semiflirting
*You'll trade playful props like "Lookin' good!" but that's about it

As they are my friends, and I'm not trying to seduce them, not at all. But this question appears to be a mish-mash of normal flirting and outright teasing. #3 seems to be normal flirting, so I'll go with it.

6. Great news: You're a celeb who's going to be featured in the next issue of Cosmo! In your ideal photo shoot, you'd be:
*Wearing jeans and a sparkly tank
*In a Paris Hilton-style dress cut down to your belly button
*Mega-airbrushed

We are stretching the definition of "great news" quite a bit here. But regardless of what you wear, your image is photoshopped until all humanity is airbrushed out of you, so #3.

7. You're early meeting a friend for happy hour. To kill time, you:
*Go to the bathroom or wait outside
*Order a drink and scope the scene
*Perch seductively on a barstool and chat up the first guy you see

Oh, this one is easy! I always get to happy hour first, because I work so close to all the places we go. First I go to the bathroom and put on more lipstick. And then I order a drink. Then I look around to see if I know anybody there other than my friends. If I do, I invariably don't want to speak to them, so I hide on the other side of the bar. Then I realize where I'm hiding is probably not where my friends are going to be looking for me, so I go back near the front door. Then the person I don't want to talk to comes over to talk to me. I chit-chat uncomfortably until my friends show up 5 minutes later and I say, "Oh, my friends are here! Got to go!" I guess that's option #2.

8. At work, how much do you use your sex appeal?

For?

*You dress as sexy as you can and flirt with guys when you need favors
*Hello! That's beyond inappropriate
*You'll wear something eye-catching when you have an event or meeting

Uh. I sit behind a desk all day talking to grad students. I sometimes wear nice clothes, but my definition of nice and Cosmo's is probably a bit different. I never dress "sexy" by Cosmo's definition. I do wear fun clothes to go out, but not at work, where such an outfit would be a waste. I guess #2 would be the answer here.

9. At the movies, you and your guy run into a chick he's dated before. As they're chatting, you:
*Wait silently while they yak away
*Try to get in on the convo
*Shoot her an icy look, give him a big kiss, and say you'll be in the car

In my dreams, it's #3, though I wouldn't give him a kiss. In my fantasy world, I light a cigarette, pull my mink closer to my neck, look at the girl with disdain as if to say, "Now he knows the touch of a real woman," address him with, "Darling, I dare not interrupt the chit-chat of old friends," before strolling out to catch a cab with all eyes on the place following me hungrily. In real life, I am nice. So #2.

10. When you're in bed with a new guy, how do you -communicate what gets you off?
*You moan and hope he catches on
*You tell him what you want pronto
*Telepathy?

I think they meant to use an ellipse instead of a dash. Ellipses are sexier....see?

Uh, #2. Now for the results:

Self-Assured Siren
In your mind, true sexiness isn't about being overtly come-hither. That's why you'd rather don jeans and a cute tank than a totally revealing hankie of a dress, and why you'd be more inclined to toss a guy pal a cute compliment than flash your boobs so his member flies up 45 degrees.

Um, if I flashed my boobs, I don't think my guy pals would get erections. They'd be freaked.

Yet there are times you could feel more secure in your seductive powers. "You'll exude even more confidence if you amp up your body language," says Cox. Instead of just quickly making eye contact with a guy across the room, flash him a coy smile or let him catch you running your hand along your collarbone.

Yeah, and then shut him down by telling him I have a boyfriend when he comes over. Great advice.

Now that I've been exhorted to act sexier and more confident, I need to be shoved back on shakier ground. So, as a bonus, 5 Signs You're Too Confident.

1. You feel bad for your girl friends because you're the hottest one in the group.

No. My friends are actual friends and we try to avoid the catty crap.

2. When your guy says "I love you," you echo "I love me too!"

Yes. Aren't you supposed to always be supporting your man's opinions in order to keep him happy?

3. You'll often describe yourself as a prettier version of Angelina Jolie.

No, but when describing weird people I will often describe them as creepier than Angelina and her brother.

4. Your signature gift: a framed picture of you

But what if that's what my mom asked for? *sniff*

5. Your fave pickup line to a group of guys is "So, who gets to buy me a drink?"

No, but I do this to my friends. Or I steal that line from "The Last Seduction" and ask who I have to blow to get a drink in this place. Really, it's charming if said correctly.