Reality, again
A young lady in my life got pregnant almost a year ago and her first inclination was to get an abortion, since she is unmarried, doesn't make much money, and already has a child. But her boyfriend begged, cajoled, argued, demanded and pleaded for her to have "his" baby. She gave in and had the baby 4 months ago.
And apparently that's all that her boyfriend could take of being a family man, since he just walked out. Now she has to move back in with her father because she just doesn't make enough to take care of herself and two kids on.
But enough of this. Back to debating with men's rights activists about how wicked women are that trick men into marriage by getting pregnant on purpose!
posted by Amanda Marcotte at
22.12.04
65 Comments:
Sad story.
12/22/2004
Well, it's fine that her life got messed up, because of course the survival of the fetus is the most important thing to consider.
12/22/2004
She's called Legal Aid and the county bar association for referrals to family law attorneys, right?
12/22/2004
Well, I'm hoping she gets over feeling guilty about it and actually gets the child support that's due.
12/23/2004
"Feeling guilty"? This is her CHILD she's talking about, for fuck's sake. Maybe it's time to stop focusing on the ex-relationship, get her head out of her ass, and think about taking care of her kid, e.g. by seeking child support.
(Yes, I know that's harsh, but FFS.)
12/23/2004
Yes indeed. Why would she feel guilty about it? This isn't that hypothetical scenario where boyfriend says "I don't want a baby" and girlfriend says "Tough, I do" and goes after boyfriend for child support. It's "his," he wanted it, end of story.
12/23/2004
Hmmm. I knew someone who used the public system in an effort to collect child support; the man had significant financial assets but was canny enough to hide them from public view, under the names of others. He pled poverty, Public Aid accused my friend of being a gold-digger, and accepted his claim that he could only come up with a few thousand (as opposed to the around a hundred thousand he actually owed for the lack of child support paid for over a decade for three children). Oh, and he was also able to come up with "endorsed checks" proving he had "paid" my friend, even though these checks were signed by someone else with a different name (and cashed in a different state, about a thousand miles from where my friend lived); Public Aid accepted his claim that the checks were endorsed by my friend because the name was similar enough, even though the signature wasn't anywhere near close (he claimed she was using an alias, something she has never done).
Public Aid doesn't give a damn about a custodial parents ability to collect, or a legitimate claim. They are on a time frame to get paper pushed from one side of the in/out box to the other. If you really need the help, you are much better off hiring a good family lawyer....that is, if the "father" in question bothers to hold down a job or have assets. Even if the guy isn't a complete snake like my friend's ex-husband, if he's just a slacker who doesn't like working, Public Aid will dicker down his claim to practically nothing, and if you accept it, that's legally binding.
Also, although child support and visitation are legally two separate issues, the real world can make this another sticky wicket.
I could go on and on and on here.....but I won't because I don't know the details (nor should they be listed here, or anywhere else on the Internet). Gaahh. I feel badly for your friend. She's got a tough road to walk. I know. I don't know what she does for a living, but has she ever considered an apprenticeship in the trades? The pay and benefits make single motherhood more feasible. From what I read here, I'm assuming she's never going to get any support, financial or otherwise, from this dork.
12/23/2004
She's very prone to being beat-down easily, I'm afraid. She couldn't stand up for not having another baby, even though she knew it would be a problem, already having had one. I don't have any trouble seeing her not standing up to get what's due to her now. It's just sad overall, I'm afraid. I'm not making excuses for her, just thems the facts.
12/23/2004
And just so we're clear, I am not advocating that she not seek child support, just that she not do it through the Public Aid mechanism....they seem to take the same view of women as "gold-diggers" that the wing-nuts do. Or, at least here in Illinois they do.
12/23/2004
La Lubu, I don't know what Legal Aid or the county (or state) bar associations are like in Austin. I do know that right now, Amanda's friend is getting zero child support and the daddy is not paying a dime. Would that be any *worse* if the mom gave Legal Aid or the referral line a call? Doubtful.
Amanda, any chance of giving her a spine transplant?
12/23/2004
Well, she does collect support from the father of the first one because her mother made her file for it. I imagine this will happen again, though a new kink in the whole thing is that the father of this one is not a citizen. I have no idea if that changes anything, though I doubt it does.
12/23/2004
I don't think his citizenship status would make a difference, but if he chooses to return to his home country, her chance of getting any child support is entirely up to him.
mythago, I don't know what the situation regarding Legal Aid/Public Aid is in Austin either (here in Illinois, child support enforcement is done through the office of Public Aid). I was just presenting the worst-case scenario. If Texas is anywhere near as bad as Illinois, she would be better off if her dad let her funnel her money toward a lawyer rather than paying him rent....that is, if the scumbucket who split has any assets.
But the fact that he's from another country puts another wrench in the works, that is, if he gets visitation. If he were to take the child to his home country, it could be hard for her to ever regain custody. In some countries, children are automatically in the custody of the father.
I agree that the shitbird in question should be paying child support. I'm just skeptical of her ever receiving any. Those who cop out on their children, especially when the children are vulnerable infants, are the least likely to ever step up to the plate, no matter how the law is supposed to work. These twerps have a supernatural ability to find loopholes and ways around the law. My humble, non-expert, single-mother-no-child-support-receiving advice would be that unless this man has an education, and/or a good paying job and/or owns real estate or other tangible assets that could be seized, for her to operate on the assumption that she isn't going to get shit from this pusbucket, and focus on getting the kind of education and job she needs to go it alone. I watched too many friends and relatives pour money, time, effort, hopes and dreams into getting the needed child support they never (and never will) receive.
I hope that's not the case for this woman. But shit, she's in a precarious, scary, draining position. And she is going to need to put her energies and resources to the most fruitful advantage, because this kind of shit can make you crazy. That's all.
12/24/2004
Why doesn't she put the child up for adoption? Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of, especially under the circumstances. That way, she would know the child is being raised by someone financially and emotionally able to do so.
12/25/2004
PJ, that is a heartless thing to say. It's hard enough parting with a pet that you have trouble caring for. This is her baby, for god's sake.
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