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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

10 things that are probably wrong with you

And why you don't have a man. Or, even if you do, they are still wrong with you because I'll bet he's waiting around for someone with the magical list that iVillage has of ten traits you must have to be loveable. And I was hoping it was 10 pairs of shoes.

We simply turned to Lisa Daily, syndicated relationship columnist and author of Stop Getting Dumped, who promises to help readers find and marry "the one" in three years or less. Daily followed her own advice and married her dream man, who proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower after a six-month courtship. Now, she is determined to help other single gals do the same.

What? Marry someone they barely know? I guess you have the two years of planning the perfect wedding to get to know each other.

1. She has a life of her own -- and it's pretty good to boot. "You don't expect your boyfriend to be your entire existence," says Daily. In other words, you're not waiting for some man to show up, so you can get your "real life" started.

Since of course your real life can't start without a man, which is why you're reading this, you have got to learn to fake it. Luckily, Daily runs a document forging business that will make things like passports with stamps in it so that your man thinks that you've been to Paris and London before. Just don't go back without having memorized a travel guide or he'll figure you out. That, or stick to safe places that everyone knows about. Like the Eiffel Tower.

2. She never makes the first move. This issue has been debated to death, and there is no true consensus. But Daily says that she strongly believes women should never, ever pursue a man. Instead, she suggests waiting for the man to initiate and plan dates. Her reasoning: If the woman is always the one calling, she will never know if he is really interested in her or if it's just convenient for him.

Of course, the problem with that is that he too might think you don't like him because you won't suggest anything or call him back or anything like that. How to deal? Oh, you don't have to.

Men simply aren't programmed to think like that and therefore are better suited to the chase, Daily says.

Frankly, I like a guy who can take a hint and won't keep bugging me when I won't return his calls. I am not getting a Parisian proposal anytime soon. Nor am I getting a court order against anyone.

3. She is sexy without being trampy. This means something different at the beginning of the relationship than it does down the road, Daily says. In the beginning of courtship, a woman should refrain from making any comments that are overtly sexual. She also flirts by using nonsexual touch like placing her hand on his forearm or even the knee but only briefly. When the relationship gets more serious, and presumably more intimate, sexual touch and public displays of affection are more appropriate. At this point, it's okay to play footsie under the table.

Also, when you first have sex, it's important that you refrain from orgasming or making noise, or he'll think you're too forward. Lay there like a log. Make him work for it. Men love the chase, remember that. Nothing will get him hotter than an unresponsive lover.

4. She waits to have sex. Yes, the sexual revolution arrived long ago and few people expect a "pure white bride" nowadays. But sex is still a pretty big step for couples. Daily says that many women don't even realize just how much sex changes the dynamics of a relationship. Daily warns that if women do the deed too soon, they might make too much of a relationship that barely ever existed outside of the bedroom.

See what I mean? I'll bet $10 that he's not worried overmuch that you like him if you look bored in bed. No better way to convey that sexy disdain than that.

Daily's advice is to wait at least one month into the relationship before having sex with your new man.

You'll be much less hurt if a man dates you for a month, tells you he's falling for you, and then bolts after sex than if you had just had a one-night stand. Duh.

5. She does little things to show she cares. Daily has one friend who noticed that her traveling salesman boyfriend never had time to get his shirts washed, so he would just go out and buy new ones. Her friend started to drop off his laundry at the dry cleaners once a week.

Don't call him, but take his shirts to the laundry. Got it. If he tries to tip me, should I be offended?

"It's as if he doesn't even know where the kitchen is," she says. "But that's not to say that he starves when I'm out of town." No, you do not have to turn into June Cleaver. The bottom line is that you should want to do the little things that let him know you care and you are paying attention to his individual needs. And he should do the same for you. Daily boasts that her man scrapes the ice off her windshield on cold winter mornings!

Well then, of course you married him. After all, that's 5 whole minutes out of his life he can't have back. My god, he's a saint. Better make him an extra dinner.

6. She should be her boyfriend's best wingman -- err, wing woman. Help him to look good in front of the boss, advises Daily. Laugh at his jokes and help him shine when it is important. Of course, again, he should do the same for you.

Too bad he's not reading this. I guess that makes you shit out of luck.

When I saw the word "wing" I had a really different idea about what this might be about.

7. She never turns on the pressure. This one is important. Men have a distinct aversion to any sort of pressure, says Daily. Therefore, women should avoid calling and/or emailing him many times during the day or dropping hints about the future. In fact, keep the dreaded M-word (marriage) out of your vocabulary all together. "Men don't want to constantly take the pulse of a relationship," says Daily. "They would rather just enjoy it."

So quit the whining. "Why do you fuck other girls?" "Why can't you ever say hi to me?" "Why do you want me to sleep in the doghouse while the dog sleeps inside?" Pressure, pressure, pressure! What do you want? For him to leave you?

8. She does not take any crap -- from anyone. A good woman never accepts bad behavior. Guys respect women with whom they can't get away with anything.

Like women who tell them they aren't going to buy this bullshit about "too much pressure"? Huh. Keep going.

If he knows there's a penalty -- like getting thrown to the curb -- for a serious violation like cheating, he'll respect you more, and he will be far less likely to do it.

What about the violation of refusing to talk about the future?

9. A good woman always chooses a good man.

I'm guessing that means that if your boyfriend isn't a good man, then it's your fault.

That means that you should look for someone who is honest and dependable. He has to treat you right. If he says he is going to be somewhere, he is there.

I don't want to pressure him to keep his word or show up on time or anything, though.

You should also have compatible views on money (which is the number one thing couples fight about).

Nothing like whipping out the books on a first date to make it seem like you're going light on the pressure.

10. She knows that love is the biggest part of the mating equation. Just how does a good woman know that she has found that crazy-for-you, toe-curling relationship?

Well, you can't tell from the sex, because you are stubbornly refusing to show passion for fear he'll leave you.

Daily says that some women have an "a-ha" moment, while love simply sneaks up on the rest. "I believe the feeling includes a unique sense of comfort and acceptance and the feeling that someone else's happiness is as important to you as your own," Daily says. "A certain amount of toe curling is key as well."

Sounds tough to get that moment when you're busy worrying about not showing too much enthusiam or exerting pressure or policing his spending habits.

324 Comments:

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Wow. Of all the advice columns you've posted, that one is the craziest. I can't believe there are people out there that actually take this advice to heart. "Never call him but make sure his laundry gets done?" Why not just advise women to become nude maids? That way, we'd at least be earning money.

1/19/2005

 
Blogger Anne said...

Daily has one friend who noticed that her traveling salesman boyfriend never had time to get his shirts washed, so he would just go out and buy new ones.Oh my God. Either he was lying to get pity, or he is a big dumbass.

Anyway, #7 touched a nerve. I am in my first real relationship, far later than most people my age, and thusly I haven't been properly indoctrinated in terms of how I should communicate underhandedly and indirectly (I am only partially being sarcastic). I am naturally a direct, no-bullshit, no head games person, so it's difficult to figure out what to do; I'm basically learning as I go. Of course, just to make it clear, I very much dislike articles like this.

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Blogger Linnaeus said...

"Compatible views on money"

Translation: The measure of a man or woman is by the size (or lack) of his or her wallet.

1/19/2005

 
Blogger jeff said...

I just wanted to say thank you for this and all of your previous posts on these sorts of maddening lists of 'helpful hints'. I mean, I don't know how you can bear to read any more of the damn things, but you do provide us all with lots of laughs (albeit sometimes the laughs are of the cringing sort) as well as some insight.

1/19/2005

 
Blogger Amazonfemme said...

Gad. Now I remember why I quit eVil-lage years ago.

"Daily followed her own advice and married her dream man, who proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower after a six-month courtship."

I wonder if they'll post a new list of desirable traits after the man of Daily's dreams gives her her walking papers outside a Starbucks in Hoboken.

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Blogger FoolishOwl said...

The weird thing is that a lot of these "experts" base their claims to expertise on being in a relationship. Wouldn't that mean a few billion other people are equally qualified as experts?

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Blogger zuzu said...

The weird thing is that a lot of these "experts" base their claims to expertise on being in a relationship. And in some cases, many relationships. Wasn't Barbara DeAngelis married 5 times and making money hand over fist dispensing marriage advice?

1/19/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so fucking stupid. SO. FUCKING. STUPID.

I would be incensed if I weren't so exhausted.

I love your blog but sometimes I wonder why I read it so regularly... if you know what I mean... ;)

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Blogger Trish said...

"The weird thing is that a lot of these "experts" base their claims to expertise on being in a relationship. And in some cases, many relationships. Wasn't Barbara DeAngelis married 5 times and making money hand over fist dispensing marriage advice?"

Yeah, she was married either four or five times. I think one of her husbands was another relationship "expert" - Dr. John Gray, of that Mars/Venus nonsense.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and I'm already looking forward to Daily's future advise column on "How to Make It Through A Nasty Divorce With Dignity"...

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