More on childlessness
I really don't see the need to call it being "childfree". Anyway, the National Center for Health Statistics has finally realized that men's feelings about having children have some bearing on the actual practice of having children, and have decided to collect statistics on men's reproductive choices after having done so for women for 30 years. Salon is taking this as an opportunity to write about one of their pet topics, the choice to be permanently childless. In this case, the article is about men who decide to get vasectomies without ever having children, which is hands down the best choice for a single man or a couple who wants never to have children.
One thing I thought was odd about the whole thing was how the men who did this faced protests from people not because they were afraid that these men were robbing themselves of fatherhood, but because they were afraid that these men were somehow robbing women of motherhood. One man said that people told him he was hurting his future wife. Another's girlfriend actually argued that he was taking choices away from her. It's a good reminder in any case what reproductive choice means, which is the choice to maintain bodily intergrity. If it's a man's body and he doesn't want to be making sperm, that's his choice. If it's a woman's body and she does or does not want to be pregnant, that's her choice.
Anyway, one thing that bugged me a little about the article was the "childfree" people they interviewed. There is so much pressure to have children in our culture that those of us who wish not to feel like we have to come up with really extreme arguments to justify ourselves. And you get a big dose of that when they interview some of the people from No Kidding.
When they are out together and hear screeching kids, they give each other a knowing look and feel a sense of relief. Still, as the wedding approaches (where no kids are allowed, of course) Moran is all about keeping an open mind.
I sympathize with the desire to be aggressively anti-child in a world where it seems sometimes that everyone is turning gaga for the babies. When you're the weirdo, it's tempting to justify yourself by claiming some sort of superiority. But I flinched to read about the knowing looks (much less the wedding ban). I don't want other people to think I pity them for having children anymore than I want other people to give me a fakey pity for not having them. So let it be known that some of us deliberately childless people don't hate children. You can show us pictures of your baby and we will make coochie-coo noises.
326 Comments:
Oh, Salon looooves to quote the extremists in their articles about the childfree. Especially back in the Mothers Who Think days.
2/08/2005
Thanks for this post! Maybe I've read too many Salon pieces, but it seems like there is a lot of anti-kid rhetoric out there (and a lot of irritating pro-kid-all-the-time do-it-for-the-children rhetoric, too) and it's always nice when someone says something that is both obvious and simple, but for some reason never ever actually said.
2/08/2005
So it's extreme to roll your eyes when you're around ill-behaved children? Heck, I know parents who do that! I also roll my eyes around ill-behaving adults, huge SUVs, and any TV with FOX News on it.
Extreme is barking "get that thing out of my face now!" if a kid gets within 10 feet. Exchanging a glance when dealing with unpleasant situations (whether a screaming child or a demanding relative or a nutty boss) and deciding who gets to come to your wedding seems pretty darn moderate to me.
Please don't start calling your fellow non-parents child haters - it's the equivalent of calling feminists man haters because some (some!) of them prefer to lead lives where they interact with very few men.
--Rachel
2/08/2005
Well put, Amanda. The assumption that is often encountered by the deliberately childless is one of positive hostility towards the very young. It's as if a compassion deficit exists. Your post is a nice corrective.
2/08/2005
I think that it's good that single men are taking the initiative to control their reproductive organs as women have for the past thirty years with birth control pills. I wish sexually active anti-choice men who never use condoms but then have the nerve to complain about the woman they impregnated having an abortion would get vasectomies but that's just my personal opinion.
These ignorant people who say "you're hurting your future girlfriend/wife by getting a vasectomy" clearly don't give half-a-shit about people's personal and reproductive freedom, and only have their own hidden agenda in mind concerning the supposed "purposes" of relationships (in this case, procreation), when they make such offensive remarks to non-traditional and childfree people.
It's HIS body and HIS choice; stay out of his vas defrens folks. As a feminist I defend not only a woman's right to choose her own reproductive destiny in the means of birth control pills and safe and legal abortions, but also a man's right to get a vasectomy without ever having children.
And FYI, if women want to have children then they can either adopt or use anonymous sperm donation. And if these kinds of women only get into a relationship with a man for the sake of ONLY having children then their priorities are fucked-up and selfish (and vice versa in the case of men).
I really don't understand why some women act as if they always need a man for this and that, and in this case for sperm to have children. It's the twenty-first century women, wake up. And relationships do NOT always need children as the result. That's the wrong reason to ever get into a relationship in the first place.
I would never get into a relationship where the guy viewed me as an incubator for his sperm, nor would I ever encourage guys to get into a relationship with a woman who only viewed him to be a sperm donor.
2/08/2005
Rachel, I used to be one of those people who threw smug looks at her man when a child would annoy. Now that more of my friends are taking the baby route and being happy with it, I've learned a little humility. Different strokes for different folks and all that.
2/08/2005
Nu, Amanda, you don't think I have friends who are parents? Heck, the three women I talk to most often are all ramping up to become parents in the next year, and I have other friends and acquaintances with infants to teenagers. It is surpassingly difficult to be a woman approaching 40 and not know any parents.
That being said, I can have an attitude of "better you than me" and still love my friends. None of my friends who are or plan to be parents want my life, so why do I need to want theirs? So long as they raise their children to be decent people and maintain a space in their lives for adult relationships, we will remain friends.
--Rachel
2/08/2005
IMHO: I think any man who refuses to use a condom should be dumped immediately. Preferably, from a moving vehicle at speed on a freeway.
I've thought about getting a vasectomy, but the whole "what if I change my mind?" thing nags at me. Not that it seems likely that I would change my mind about having children if I haven't already, and frankly I'm probably too old to have children now, but it's not an easy decision to make.
Of course, I'm also too chicken to get a tattoo.
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I think we're on the same page, Rachel. I don't want my friends' lives but I don't think they made bad choices. And the smug look thing always felt like I was being defensive about what I feel is the right choice for me, if an unpopular one. Now I don't really care to throw the smug look, since that makes me feel like this is a contest and it's just not.
Truth is a lot of people feel weird about having kids, too, and can be really defensive about it. Like we're judging them for being grown-ups and boring and stuff. And sure, I used to make jokes about that and now I feel bad because I see it can really hurt people's feelings. So I make my jokes, but I try to frame them in a way that doesn't pass judgement on people just because they had kids.
Well, except the soccer moms who let their kids bounce all over the insides of their SUVs. Regardless of their reasons, I'm rolling my eyes at them.
2/08/2005
Eye-rolling is not smug, and there's nothing wrong with wanting people to respect your wishes for an adults-only wedding.
I don't hate children. I don't particularly like them, either. However, I can both advocate increased funding for education because we need a strong society, and dread warm days, when the shrieking from the day-care center next door starts before 7 and doesn't end.
2/08/2005
I always think of "childfree" as a polite way of answering the inevitable question. "No, I'm childfree" is code for "No, I don't have children, and I'm FINE WITH THAT, so please don't start harassing me about it and assuming I'm pining away for babies." Not that that works 100%, of course. But as terminology, it doesn't bother me.
This post reminds me of one I saw on a childfree/parents "finding common ground" message board I read. One of the CF women was complaining, "Why do I have to come off as a child hater when I like kids? If I ever say anything nice about a child in public, everyone assumes I'm changed my mind." I think that's where a lot of it comes from. I sure as hell watch my language around people who are just waiting for me to change my mind about it. I made the mistake of saying something about Boo from Monsters Inc. and next thing you know, the guy's going on about how I want to be a parent. Grr.
-Jennifer
2/08/2005
Respecting others' reproductive choices (whether to reproduce or not) is the very essence of being "pro-choice."
(But I still secretly laugh when I hear those with children dismissed as "breeders.")
cmc
2/08/2005
Amanda - a few months ago I would have agreed with you that a vasectomy would be the best choice for a straight couple. However, a friend of mine said something quite chilling shortly after the elections that has made me change my mind. If these rightwing extremists get their way, look for abortion to be thrown back to the states or outlawed, she said, and *you* could still be raped. So, now I'm leaning in the other direction. And there are new procedures (a friend of mine just had 'essure' - non surgical blockage of fallopian tubes) that are even less invasive than laparascopic.
Anyway... my friend's comment really made me reconsider.
I agree that "childfree" has a different connotation than "childless" and I use it when necessary to indicate that it's a choice, not a tragic bereavement.
I am also often in the situation of knowing that if I act interested in and comfortable around children (which I am - I was the oldest of 30 first cousins spanning more than 30 years.. most in the same town.. I know from dealing with kids..) that people will start whispering (or talking loudly) about how I'm sure to change my mind and it must be a sign! And so on. Incredibly frustrating.
I'm also of two minds about the counselling/advice that people get before doctors will perform a sterilization. When my husband talked to our doctor for some preliminary information, she gave him the usual spiels along with a new one I hadn't heard: "If something happens to your wife, and you remarry...." I agree that it's a bit presumptuous to assume that people don't know their own mind, but in any other type of elective (or non-elective) surgery I would expect my doctor to inform me as much as possible about possible outcomes, side effects, and even future psychological effects. And if doctors have observed a fair bit of regret (I don't know the statistics), I can't really hold it against them for being skeptical and wanting to be sure that their patients have thought through all the implications. (Not to say I approve of state-mandated waiting periods or anything like that...)
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2/08/2005
Over here where most people get married after having one or two or more kids I'd say adult-only weddings are the norm. (I've been a wedding-singer. I've been to tons.) Even when the people getting married has a toddler or two themselves. No child appreciates the one hour long sitting silent in church ceremony and the loooong nice table-manners dinner and sequent partying until 4am.
Personally I'm childfree. I have no children, that is my choice. Childless implies that you'd like children, want children, but have none.
Either way: just because I'm childfree doesn't mean I don't like kiddos. I have plenty of small friends that I love dearly.
2/09/2005
I knew someone years ago that became pregnant, but she and her partner had originally built a part of their relationship on the fact that neither wanted to marry or have children. To my surprse, they married and she had the baby.
Life for her fell apart after that because she felt intense pressure to be "a good mommy" although she just couldn't, and didn't want to be. It wasn't that she didn't love her child or her husband, but she felt that she was only becoming what was expected of her.
There are a ton of unanswered questions - why marriage and why not terminating the pregnancy for starters, but it all leads up to the pressure that society has put on couples to procreate. Whenever I read about this I think of them, and not only does it make me ponder it also makes me sad.
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2/09/2005
On the "hurting your future wife" thing:
If a guy feels strongly enough about not having children that he'd go through with a surgical procedure, he's probably not the kind of guy who would have made a great father*. Is it that hard to make "shares my views on children" a criterion for selecting a mate?
*in general, obviously there will be exceptions.
2/09/2005
Last year, when I called a urologist to look into getting a vasectomy, I was surprised that a) I was asked if I was married, and b) when I replied that I was, was told that my wife would have to accompany me to the office so she could confirm that she wanted me to have it. Does anybody know if this is common?
2/09/2005
Steve, I've heard several reports of that happening on various childfree sites. It's not uncommon.
-Jennifer
2/09/2005
The more I think about it, the more I think I should get a vasectomy. I've never wanted children; and I've always been terrified of the idea of having intercourse with a women and her becoming pregnant. It's probably irrational of me to feel this way, but I've long felt as if that would be the most horrible thing I could do to another person. That might explain why I've been celibate for the last ten years. I'm a little tired of thinking of my own genitals as destructive, and being afraid of sex.
The few times I've looked at materials on vasectomies, they went on at great length about how young men without children should not get them, because they will probably regret it. I wonder if it's a mix of ideology with fear of lawsuits.
2/09/2005
RE: the whole vasectomy as a valid reproductive choice.
As a 23 year old woman who has been denied a tubal ligation because I'm "too young" to make that kind of decision for myself. I really have to fight the urge to respond to men getting early vasectomies with a jealous screaming fit. But really I do agree that they're a grand idea for guys knowing they don't want a future with children included and that potential mate selection needs to consider the desire of both potential partners to have or not have children. I actually even had my SO convinced to get a vasectomy because I couldn't get a tubal ligation, but then he lost his job hence his health insurance and hasn't gotten it back since.
It just infuriates me that I'm not allowed to make the same decision in the same situation because I have ovaries rather than balls. That is the only difference that I see. I have ovaries so I'm supposed to be DYING to become some man's sperm recepticle and incubator. It just ain't true. I like kids as long as I can give them back to mommy when they start crying or need their diaper changed.
I'm just not cut out to be a mommy and I realize it, but instead of respecting my self-knowledge or my decisions, people seem to feel obligated to argue me into submission (aka mommy-dom).
2/11/2005
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I hadn't thought of it, but I suppose, given the enormous pressure on women to have children, and the ideology that women live to have children, that I should have realized it would be even harder for a woman to get a tubal ligation.
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45. Netsuitestore - Among the greatest stores onlne.
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47. Nutritional Supplements - Vitamin power nutritional supplements.
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49. Herbal Supplements - Natural is the best.
50. Anti Aging - For the young at heart.
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53. Earn High Income - Search for the best and the most desirable for yourself.
54. Increase My Income - Act Now! Don't delay.
55. Online Income Opportunities - It is endless but to succeed, you must act upon it.
1/06/2006
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1/06/2006
We Wish You A Very Happy New Year!
Good Life certainly demands a good income and that is our mission. Our desire is to provide families worldwide great opportunities to increase their income so that their families can be well cared for, give their children a good education or the things they enjoy most in life. The following sites are among the best on the Internet. ACT NOW! Also feel free to pass on these great sites to friends and relatives. You will be blessed a lot more by blessing others!
1. The Rich Jerk - Stop Being a Pathetic Loser.
2. Affiliate Cash Vault - New fail-safe system virtually runs 100% on autopilot. Just set it and forget it!
3. Google Profits - How to Make Massive Profits Combining the Power of Google and CB.
4. Google Cash - Official Google Cash How to Earn Thousands Writing Google AdWords Part-Time updated w/ 24 videos.
5. BlogBlaster Submits To 2 Million Sites - Brand new advertising software submits to 2 million blogs!
6. Brand New Adwords Software - Become A Super Affiliate Overnight! Software Finds Most Profitable Search Terms And Products For You!
7. Instantly Increase Your Traffic & Sales - Instant Booster - Incredible Software increases your Income Instantly.
8. Fire Sale Profits - Discover the Secrets of Successful Fire Sales and How You Can Make A Fortune Selling Downloadable Products!
9. Easiest Way To Make $100+ A Day SwapClix - Instant Money Generator, Guaranteed Results, Work From Home Make Money Now! We Hide Your Affiliate Id! No Commision Stealing!
10. Process Instant Rebates Online - Make Money Online! Low Refunds.
11. The Lazy Pig - Convert $1 To $85 - Undisclosed Revolutionary 7 Step Adsense Marketing System.
12. AdBlaster Submits To 2,500,000 Sites - AdBlaster blasts to 2,500,000 Websites with just 1 click!
13. AdSense Gold-Your Fast Track To Profits - Triple your Ctr, skyrocket your Epc, track your clicks by search engine, referrer and more! Learn how to join the AdSense Elite.
14. 1stPromotion - Pro2 Mall & Portal - The Ultimate CB Mall & Affiliate Portal. The Only Mall That Gives You Total Control. Thousands Of Products, One Url.
15. The Google Ca$h Machine - Start Earning 15 Minutes from Now! Automatically.
16. The Article System - Content Generator - Instantly add targeted content to your website. Create pages that search engines will index to boost your traffic and profit!
17. Massive Targeted Traffic Guaranteed - Amazing Formula Allows You To Drive All The Targeted Website Traffic You Could Ever Possibly Want!
18. Google Adsense Secrets - Second Edition - Incredible Google Adsense secrets revealed by Pro who earns over $500/day - Breakthrough best-selling eBook - Instant download!
19. Make Big Money Taking Surveys Online - Get Paid $25.00-75.00 Per Survey Completed! High Conversions! Low Refunds!
20. Search Engine Cloaker (since 1995) - We are proud to help our customers achieve number 1 rankings in all engines for 10+ years.
21. cheap domain name real registration - It offers much of all the cheap domain name real registration related products.
22. Cash Income - More than doubling your income.
23. Top 10 Home Based Businesses - No website and no inventory needed.
24. Egold - Open a free egold account here!
25. Online Payment Commission - Earn 4% commission 6 levels deep from online payments.
26. Daily Cash Sites - Daily cash sites for sale.
27. Easy Website Templates - 5000+ easy website templates for selling any product, save you 100s of hours.
28. Email marketing Email 700,000,000 free plus 100% resale rights.
29. Bulk Email - Email millions now, promoting any products you wish.
30. Resell Rights - Get 6 millions people to invest $6 each, the maths is clear.
31. Bulk Email Marketing - Email 1000s of PayPal members daily for $12 per year.
32. Buy eGold - Among the cheapest rate on earth.
33. Top Business Opportunities - The best on offer, Act Now!
34. Family Income - Earn more for your family now.
35. Profitable Business Opportunities - Already profitable websites for sales at great discount.
36. Search Engine Submission - Drive search engine traffic to your website.
37. Domains - Cheap domains for many countries.
38. Best Web Hosting - The best web hosting services you can ever find and much more.
39. Auto Ad Submitter - Submit your ad on autopilot once and for all.
40. Website Submitter - Submit your sites to millions, fully automated.
41. Traffic Booster - Boost traffic to your site instantly.
42. SiteSell Website - Build websites that really sell.
43. Home Based Business - For a small tiny investment, you will be sharing in the billion-dollar online industries.
44. Domain Hosting Registries - Great site to get a good discount for your online store.
45. Netsuitestore - Among the greatest stores onlne.
46. Personal and Health care are equally important, bookmark these sites for your family:
47. Nutritional Supplements - Vitamin power nutritional supplements.
48. Native Remedies - The ultimate source of energy and native remedies in the world.
49. Herbal Supplements - Natural is the best.
50. Anti Aging - For the young at heart.
51. Diamonds - Diamonds for eternity.
52. Diamond Jewelry - The best diamond Jewelry in the world.
53. Earn High Income - Search for the best and the most desirable for yourself.
54. Increase My Income - Act Now! Don't delay.
55. Online Income Opportunities - It is endless but to succeed, you must act upon it.
1/06/2006
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