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Monday, February 07, 2005

Low-hanging fruit

Feministing posted this article from the odious site Ask Men. It's a basic, "humorous" how-to on running women off or getting thrown in jail for those you can manage to keep around. Though they don't phrase it that way. No, this is supposed to be a way to "train" you girlfriend much like you train a dog. Why not get a dog? Well, you can go to jail for fucking your dog, and if you break her will enough, you may actually escape going to jail for beating your girlfriend.

Alas, some men may feel bad about emotional and possibly physical abuse designed to turn the woman you loved into a broken, miserable victim. Luckily, Matthew Fitzgerald reminds them up front that the woman they are with is a loathsome whore, so they shouldn't feel bad.

You might not be aware of it, but what she's really up to is training you to be what she calls a "gentleman" -- acting nice and accommodating, paying for her meals and chauffeuring her around like a servant. And that's not all. She's also busy laying her traps to lock you into this pattern for the course of the relationship.

Before you know it, she'll have you on her leash, following her around like a puppy dog, eagerly awaiting her next command and lapping up the few sexual kibbles she tosses at you to keep you at "heel."

Sounds despicable, doesn't it? Yet girlfriends do it to men all the time. Why? Because we let them. We allow them to treat us like obedient pets, with sex as our reward for the "correct" behavior.

Just remember that next time you're in bed, fellas. She's not there because she likes it, no matter what funny faces she makes. She hates it, except for the part deep inside where she's laughing at you, laughing at how you spent $20 on dinner and opened her door and she's getting away with it! Doesn't the thought just make you hornier than hell? No wonder women get away with so much.

Aggression
She's out of control and constantly acts up. Brainwashed by a steady diet of Oprah and "feminist" propaganda, she's now "empowered," meaning that her thoughts run somewhere along these lines: "Men have been holding me back, I want mine now, and I don't care what pair of testicles I have to step on to get it."

Well, when she called the cops on you after you beat her with a newspaper as per Ask Men's instructions, she didn't technically step on your testicles. Yes, I know the police weren't very sympathetic to your claims that feminism has been brainwashing women into not enjoying abuse, but that's no reason to claim that your actual testicles have been injured.

Whining
She doesn't like to be left alone. She pouts when you hook up for the weekly poker game with your buddies. She harps at you to buy her something, and when she gets it, she doesn't want it anymore (or demands something even more expensive). She nags that you watch too much ESPN. She's always whimpering that she's too fat, too old or not pretty enough.

How dare she abuse herself! While it saves time and energy devoted to convincing her that no one else will love her so she might as well stay with you if she picks on herself, well, it sort of drains the fun out of it, doesn't it, Ask Men?

Barking
Yap, yap, yap. She talks incessantly. But the problem is that she goes on and on and on about nothing. You're on the phone, trying to close a business deal, and there she is in the background, yipping about her new pair of shoes.

What extraterristrial planet do these readers live on that their girlfriends sit in their offices all day long? Unless of course, these are fantasy business deals to go along with that imaginary girlfriend who never speaks but simply gazes at her insecure, miserable shell of a man with the sort of adoration that he thinks will fill his empty soul, but never seems to be enough.

Disobedience
Like a dog, she is hard to train. No matter what you want, she always insists on getting her own way, then throws a tantrum or cuts off sex if you oppose her. She's always escaping from the yard to go shopping. And she won't respect your commands ("roll over," "lie down," "play dead").

Yep, women owe you sex no matter how miserable you make them. As for that escaping, it's probably best to do what dog owners do and build a tall fence or an electric fence. That might be especially helpful if she decides to make a permanent break for it after being "disciplined" all the time, especially that too-bad-it's-illegal "discipline" of showing her that she doesn't get to "cut off" sex for any reason.

Begging
She always "begs" with her hands on her hips -- never on all fours.

Damn, these anti-woman sites are getting ambitious. There wasn't really a huge demand for women to beg even in the days when we weren't allowed to vote.

House destruction
You just can't leave her alone in your place. You go out for a few hours to play golf, and when you come back, your autographed Bears poster and leather couch have been replaced by flower prints and a shrimp-colored loveseat. And there are friggin' valances on the windows.

At no point in time should a woman feel at home in her own house. If she continues to push for some acknowledgement in the decor that she lives there, too, let her know you will be forced to make her sleep tied up in the basement.

Not fetching
An improperly trained girlfriend doesn't know that she should always bring you a beer without having to be asked.

And the first time you ask for it, prepare to have the entire thing crammed in your face while still full.

Chasing
Girlfriends are naturally attracted to bright, shiny objects (like jewelry) and fast-moving luxury cars. An untrained girlfriend will abandon you and run after any male who happens by with a few baubles and a Porsche.

Keep telling yourself that, stud. She left you because she stupidly fell for the man with a Porsche who just happened not to whack her with a rolled up newspaper every time she dared open her mouth even to mention that it was cold outside.

Act early and often
Girlfriends have to be taught obedience from day one, or they will soon think that their bad behavior will be tolerated. Once improper patterns have been imprinted on the female brain, they can be extremely difficult to alter -- you can't teach an old girlfriend new tricks. The idea is to set the ground rules at the beginning of the relationship so that she can understand what's expected of her. This means your regular night out with the guys, sharing dating expenses and sex on your terms.

Hey ladies, we've all been out with this guy! He's the one who tells you upfront that he's an asshole and is surprised when you take him at his words and refuse to go out with him again. And then blames you for hating honesty. Anyway, for the man who truly wants to break a woman down and destroy her will, it's probably not best to act early. Gain her trust and then she will be so confused when you start in on the abuse that she won't know what to do. It's a tried and true method.

Don't be afraid to say "no"
As many would believe, girlfriends aren't usually as bright as men, so they typically have to be told more than once. And spank her if she continues to misbehave. If she likes it, spank her a lot.

Can I just say that I find it odd that he thinks of women only as "girlfriends"? What does he mean by this? I'm guessing that he thinks that any woman who he could call a "girlfriend" must be dumb. Proof's in the pudding--a woman with any brain would stay far the fuck away from a man who openly praises hitting a woman to keep her under control, even if he pretends that he's suggesting it as a sexual game. Those of us in the healthy world know that bedroom spanking is a game, not a method of mind control.

Use operant conditioning
Freely encourage her good behaviors (being in heat, excessive licking, humping, and especially obeying the command, "Down, girl!") with praise and rewards while ignoring the bad. The idea is not to punish her for doing something wrong (unless she's into that sort of thing), but to withhold attention from the behaviors you don't like. This way, she will slowly catch on and eliminate the unwanted patterns from her repertoire. As she starts to become dependent upon your approval or disapproval, she will act more agreeably and respectfully towards you.

And you will feel good and manly, walking around with your Bush button and a raging hard-on that all men who break down women have until you realize she replaced herself with a blow-up doll two months ago and you didn't notice that your friends were laughing at you when you paraded around your properly obedient girlfriend to make them jealous.

All in all, obedience training is one of the best things you can do for your girlfriend and yourself, because a well-trained girlfriend makes for a happy relationship.

And if that feminist brainwashing makes her suggest that in order for the relationship to be happy, it would help if she were happy, remind her where the newspaper is.

It can enrich your dating life by eliminating unwanted behaviors and can make your time together much more enjoyable. The ultimate result is that you'll wind up with a girlfriend who will treat you well and work hard to please you... the perfect pet to have around the house.

Sure you will. That or a restraining order. But hey, no one said the course of love runs smoothly.

492 Comments:

Blogger Kyso K. said...

Well, well, well...I was all ready to post about AskMen's Doc Love (whose "system" for dating success is available at a mere $99) and Player (if you want to know about "Threesome Etiquette" you'd best buy his book), and how they are evidence that AskMen is Cosmo for Men. Like Cosmo, they hint at a life that is not happening for most readers ("Isn't my trophy bitch obnoxious? And she never has the Mercedes warmed up on time...Hur hur, at least she's good in the sack"), and like Cosmo, stuff the reader full of the worst gender stereotypes and ridiculously expensive and wortheless commercial solutions to advertising-manufactured problems. Of course, the major difference is that women's mags always suggest working towards "A NEW YOU!" to keep his attention, and never whapping him with a newspaper, so there my analogy breaks down...

Then I noticed that the double underlined link is a sponsered link: when I moused over the sentence "Girlfriends are naturally attracted to bright shiny objects," the alt tag read "YES! I am ready to meet my soulmate!" Unaccustomed to seeing that kind of disconnect outside of Teen or Redbook, my head exploded.

I had similiar results with "The idea is to set the ground rules at the beginning of the relationship so that she can understand what's expected of her. This means your regular night out with the guys, sharing dating expenses and sex on your terms." => "Dating For Serious Relationship. eHarmony has more marriages per match than any other online dating service." The single-underlined links, often placed right next to the double-underlined ones, went back to more anti-women phlegm coughed up by other AskMen contributors.

2/07/2005

 
Blogger Kyso K. said...

Sweet Jesus on a Pogo Stick! Another article by this paranoid Matt person is bitching about how all women use all sex to manipulate all men all the time, and the very first use of the word "seduction" links to "Seduction Bootcamps and Programs...Watch real pick-up artists live!" from a place called, no kidding, realsocialdynamics.com. OK, I should stop looking at these things now.

2/07/2005

 
Blogger North said...

"sweet Jesus on a pogo stick" is my new favorite cuss phrase.

Apropos of the earlier discussion of women and humor, I'm sure the author of this article would get all defensive. "Can't you take a joke? You feminists have no sense of humor! See, women aren't funny!"

I suspect that a lot of the people who say things like that are just not funny themselves, and compensate by saying horribly offensive things so they can blame the laughs they aren't getting on "political correctness." It's certainly true among people I know.

2/08/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not that this was bad or anything, but it was too easy. I think your "making fun of advice" posts are funnier when the original article is more subtle. I like imagining the article-writer as being shocked by the sexism you point out, where here, it seems like the raging misogynist of a writer would wholeheartedly agree (and be proud of it).

But no question about it: you are a funny woman.

:o)

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Blogger Amanda said...

You know, I've read all sorts of men's and women's magazines in my time, and even Maxim is not nearly this scary. I mean, practically every article warms up the reader for to the idea that emotional and possibly physical abuse of women is perfectly okay because if she had the chance, she'd do it to you. That is, if you equate not having sex anytime you want with tearing someone down or hitting them.

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Blogger smush said...

amanda. let me first say this. i read your blog every day, and it's absolutely one of the best out there. i am quite the fan.

now having said that, let me say this. i'm aware that the title of this post was a warning of sorts, and everyone deserves a gimme once in a while, but honestly. shooting fish in a barrel just isn't sport, is it?

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Blogger rabbit said...

Oh man...I don't even know what to say about this. My first thought was 'how do people even think its cool to write stuff like this?' but I guess I know the answer to that. Then it was 'how do men like that ever act un-creepy enough to get within 5 feet of a woman, let alone be in a relationship with one?' but I guess I know the answer to that too. So instead, I just sit here shaking my head and also feeling greatful that when I show this to my boyfriend he will also be bewildered as to what idiot thought writing this article was at all a good idea. Which makes me feel better about it all by not letting me think that guys who write crap like that are normal.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, that's not the worst article: the worst one is the one linked to in Feministing's comments, on how to treat your wife....

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11/03/2005

 
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