Feminism haunted

At Utopian Hell, a fantastic column about the fear of being "outed" as a feminist. It's a great post about how the various stereotypes of feminism cause people to dogpile any woman who claims the mantle of feminist. The part that made me laugh was this:

In fact, I don't think he's ever understood why I'm a feminist in the first place. It's one of those things he believes should be proclaimed but never acted upon. On the one hand, it's perfectly all right for a woman to believe in feminist values and to be progressive in that way. On the other hand, any hint of her actually talking about those values or making a push forward on them is a way of putting men down.

Hey! I think we've dated the same guy! Nah, kidding. The problem is this attitude is incredibly common. The world is full to brimming with men who think equality is a great idea in theory, but are absolutely loathe to give up an ounce of male privilege and therefore end up unwittingly causing the women in their lives a great deal of pain.

Now don't get me wrong. I love feminist men, and I think that the more men involved the better. I think that there are plenty of self-proclaimed feminist men who get it, and weirdly there are even more who reject the term "feminist" because they think that men can't be feminists but who incorporate those values in their lives. (Actually, there are a number of feminist thinkers who agree that men can't be feminists, just feminist-sympathizers. I disagree, but I will address why in a moment.) Most of the men I know that I would characterize as truly feminist reject that label for themselves, which in a way is a huge relief.

Because there are tons of men out there who adopt the term "feminist" and then, in a most unfeminist manner, decide that they are going to dictate what that means to the women in their lives. If there is anything more frustrating than a man telling you what a "real" feminist should believe, I don't know what it is. They've never walked a day in a woman's shoes, never had the rights to their body debated in dehumanizing terms in Congress, never had a stranger call them a "bitch" for not immediately acquiesing to random demands, never been told to smile, never been followed while walking by someone who was considering attacking or just getting kicks out of scaring....

And then there are men (and women to be fair) who reject the term "feminist" because they have allowed the stereotypes to overwhelm their thinking. I had it out with a male friend over this not too long ago, when he rejected my own description of myself as a feminist. (Again, men deciding what the terms will be and getting completely flustered when a woman contradicts them.) But he's a smart guy, and he let me speak my piece. I usually acquiese easily in an argument, as I was raised as a female to do. But this time, I was well-armed. I completely stole the rhetoric from this essay I read not too long ago at Tomato Nation.

He said that feminism was somehow wrong. I asked in what arena he felt that women should be kept unequal, as I had never seen him argue for female subservience. (In fact, he strives to make sure that his wife never feels put upon by mindless male entitlement. It's really quite heartening to see.) He said, none, of course. And I pointed out that his opinion made him a feminist. He protested and said that radical feminists had ruined feminism for everyone.

This is usually where these arguments turn sour, because what happens is you start arguing about whether or not "radical" feminists even exist. In a written form, like the Utopian Hell post, this is a useful and interesting discussion. When speaking, it turns into a pissing contest. So I decided to avoid it and just this once accept the idea of "radical" feminists.

Instead, I asked why it is that feminists, and only feminists, are held responsible for the behavior of extremists. And why a woman has two choices--reject feminism or embrace radicalism? I pointed out that if he has a problem with the radicals, he's letting them win by letting them take over a term that only means belief in the equality of the sexes. And also that he's letting the conservatives win because they are able, by using these two groups of women, feminists and non-feminists, to imply that all women who don't call themselves feminists love being subservient.

I didn't "win" the argument, but I think my point was well-made and well-accepted. I think that it's important to take the term "feminist" back--very important. It takes practice. Just describe this as feminist and that as feminist. Joke about it, be serious about it, but use the term. Describe your friends as feminist--you'd be surprised how they won't reject that as often as you fear. Point out how admirable men and women are feminists. If someone bucks you, ask what's so wrong with equality? And the main thing is ask without averting your eyes. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Take the term back.