Mouse rant blog vent mouse.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Do I intimidate women?

I’m very successful in my career and earn a high salary. Since I’m 43 and never married, I have been able to buy many luxuries for myself unlike many of my colleagues who are married with children. I have a beautiful loft in a posh downtown neighborhood, wear a leather coat in the winter, vacation at spas and top resorts around the world, and my business card says “President.”

However, despite all this, I am usually quite lonely and would love to meet the right woman. When I go on dates, I rarely get a second, and my friends have told me that it’s because I intimidate women. I have dated a range of women from CEOs to plumbers to police men but have not found someone secure enough to pursue me. How can I find a woman who is comfortable with what I’ve achieved?

Obviously, this man above doesn't understand the standard procedure at this point in his life, which is to dig up a younger, plasticized trophy wife.

Just kidding! This is the MSN article of the day, and it's asked by a woman. I just reversed the sexes and changed a few details (fur to leather coat, for instance) to highlight the absurdity of the situation this woman is in. But my suggestion to her doesn't change. Do what rich men do and buy your spouse! Put up some aspiring actor or model, or if you must, artist in your house and spoil the boy. Sure, it won't make for scintillating conversation, but your friends will turn green with envy.

Sadly, the columnist doesn't agree with me. She takes a couple of stabs at the woman for not having a way to convince men to like her even though she makes money, and then gets into the meat of her advice.

Secondly, you may very well intimidate men with your achievements, and this is a common problem. Here are some suggestions:

*Try to ease men into seeing the “strong” you, the “career” you.

Say that you have a high paying job slowly.

Play down your wardrobe at first (nothing says “I am a Princess” like a fur coat!”).

Cruise by your local Frederick's of Hollywood and pick up something cheap and skanky to wear. That always impresses men.

Don’t “dress for success” on the first date with power suits, expensive jewelry, or flashy clothing and accessories that reinforce your monetary status.

This is the same damn advice as the last. She couldn't find three ways to appear less rich than you are? This woman needs to call Karl Rove.

The rest of the advice continues in this vein, actually. The columnist seems to think that it's a shame that we can't go back in time and get this girl into beauty school instead of into a high-paying career, so the next best thing is plain old deception.

If you live in a more expensive home than he does, don’t invite him over until your relationship is more secure. Don’t let your conversation focus heavily on your accomplishments at work. Rather, focus on mutual interests such as family, films, books or pets (not items that signify success, such as expensive vacations).

Rent another apartment with all that fat cash that's in a poorer part of town. Bring him there and talk pitifully on hard it is to pay for plumbing repairs.

And about your job title? Consider downplaying it on the first few dates. If you are president of a real estate company, you can simply tell him that you “sell real estate.” Eventually, if you establish strong feelings for each other, your success should not deter him, and you can say or wear whatever you want. But in the beginning, you just want him to get beyond any monetary or job title barriers that may prevent him from knowing you for what really matters (i.e., what’s on the inside).

I saw that episode of "Sex and the City" where Miranda told him she was a stewardess! That worked out well, didn't it? Try some other fetishized career--tell him you're a waitress or a struggling actress. Of course, technically that has nothing to do with what's on the inside, so try to feel like you're a struggling actress on the inside. Practice puppy dog eyes until you get it right.

I applaud you for dating a variety of men from different career levels and hope these suggestions will help you make a more positive first impression.

Just make sure that you remember that very rich men are more impressed with struggling actresses than more working class men. They might find that kind of frivolous career stupid and not sexy.

Remember that the goal on a first date is to simply get him to call back for a second date (if you like him) so that he can get to know you better.

Even if your date is a preening jerk, you have to keep trying to get him to marry you. What other choice do you have?

By the way, by "he can get to know you better", she means, "he can get to know a fantasy you've concocted for him to lust after better".

The columnist today is Rachel Greenwald, who tricked her husband into marrying her by waiting until after the wedding to tell him that she wasn't a waitress but actually had an MBA. It wasn't a lie, though--she had waited tables over a summer in high school. Luckily, her MBA-style negotiating skills convinced him not to file for divorce until after she had sold a gazillion books, making his divorce settlement much, much higher.

466 Comments:

Blogger La Lubu said...

You crack me up!! I love it when you break it down.

But, I knew you had changed the sex, as soon as I read the bit about how he "dated CEOs, and plumbers...." sure he did. It's been my experience that a white-collar man wouldn't date a blue-collar woman at gunpoint, even if she's a high earner, even if she's articulate, well-dressed, etc. He doesn't want to tell his buddies that "this year's model" gets her hands dirty for a living.

Like you, I think the "advice" offered was B.S. I don't know about the boy-toy part though...let's face it...who wants "amateur hour" in the bedroom?!

10/20/2004

 
Blogger Astarte said...

I love how books like hers make finding a husband like finding Jesus or something.

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10/20/2004

 
Blogger lawrence krubner said...

Nice. There are few things I enjoy more than seeing these "I'll make money by marketing advice to desperate women" types taken apart in parody. Well done. Ever read the novel A Girl's Guide To Hunting And Fishing? It's a series of related short stories. In the last one the main female character reads The Rules and suddenly the two authors of that book become constant subconcious companions who follow her on every date and whisper advice in her ears and who ruin everything. The psychology, the fear, that might lead a woman who knows better into listening to the advice in that book is well documented, I think.

Funny, when I first read the above text, thinking I was reading about a man, my thought was "What an utter loser he must be on a date!" and then when I found out you'd switched the genders, my first thought was something like "Why do men feel threatened by a women like that?" But now that I'm thinking of my reaction, I'm suspicious of it. Why was I willing to assume the man must be at fault for not getting on well with a woman, and then when things turned around I continued to think that men, in general, must be the problem?

What if instead of framing this anecdote as one of the woman being "successful" we frame it as one of arrogance? Lots of high powered executives are arrogant as all hell. The only people who are willing to date them are people who are willing to put up with their character flaws to take advantage of what they do have. Maybe this woman simply isn't willing to date that kind of man, the one who's willing to sell their soul in exchange for access to her resources? Most rich, arrogant, never-married executives in their 40s date women who are relatively poor (actresses, single moms, failed artists). This woman executive may have the option of dating poor men and maybe doesn't like the option.

Then again, maybe the whole subject is bunk. Kieran just noted on Crooked Timber that Margeret Thatcher had tons of younger male assisstants who had the hots for her. http://www.crookedtimber.org/archives/002710.html
(And didn't the Spice Girls say Thatcher was the epitome of Girl Power? Ha, ha, kidding.)

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Blogger Amanda said...

Lawrence, it's not that you're blaming men for everything. Or if you are, then yeah, maybe there's a problem. But it is true that the majority of people, men and women, aren't "comfortable" dating someone unless they conform to certain standards. With any couple, we expect the man to be richer, taller, and smarter than the woman. And we expect the woman to be better-looking than the man. If you break any of these standards, it makes people uncomfortable. I had someone ask me a long time ago why I kept dating my boyfriend at the time, who was shorter than me. She expected that I would dump him for that! And look at how everyone mocks John Kerry for having a wife that's richer than him. If she made that money herself instead of inherited it, that would be The Major Issue of the campaign.

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If you are playing video poker, then Jacks-or-Better is a great machine to play and you can increase the odds of success dramatically by learning five simple tips ...

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Thanks,

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