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Friday, February 18, 2005

Women don't really want to be free, you see

I just got around to reading this article in Salon where a bunch of wives of men who contributed to a book on the subject of commitment get a chance to offer their side of the story. I'm sure it's an interesting book, and I hope to god it isn't as dedicated to trotting out the stereotype that men have to be cajoled, deceived, or forced into committed relationships with us lowly women as this article leads one to believe. One interviewee, Danielle Mattoon, seems to believe that women crave matrimony and men fear it.

Women find a sort of solace in a certain amount of solidity; they eagerly move toward these things that bind them to the world, like a husband and family. And men see it as a taking away of their freedoms; for them, each step is a reduction of their liberties, whereas women find certain amount of liberation in knowing where they stand.

You know, it would be interesting to gather up an informal survey asking people who are married or in committed relationships who pushed for commitment. I'll bet you'd find that it's not nearly as much woman-pushing/men-fleeing as you'd think. I'd hazard a guess that half of people would say that no one pushed, it just happened. And the other half would be divided up evenly between who was the one who asked for a commitment and who was the one who agreed. Though I wouldn't call it pushing--my boyfriend "pushed" for the commitment from me, but it's not like I was fighting him on it or anything.

If you're a single woman and you want to get a rise out of people (and do, it's fun), tell them that you don't think of yourself as a settling down type. This is especially funny to do to a man who is fixing to take a drink of beer. Well, if you're a mean person like I am, it's funny. Emphasize that you like to be "free". When you're a woman, people won't even pretend that being "free" from monogamy means anything but that you want to slut that shit all over town.

I'd almost rather hear people be upfront and spread the bullshit stereotype that men like to sleep around by nature while women like to knit over the fire. It's even more insulting to talk vaguely of freedom and say that men cherish it more. That means both that women stifle men and that women don't mind being stifled. Whatever--I assure you that women cherish their independence and their personal space as much as men do. And, to make it worse, a lot more women lose a lot more of their "freedom" to marriage than men, if only in free time, if nothing else. "A Room of One's Own" was written nearly a century ago and still people want to believe that women don't long for their freedom from domestic commitments.

And as for "freedom" as a euphemism for being able to sleep with whomever you please, well, truth is that it's human nature both to desire many different people and to want your partner to want and be with only you. These two feelings are not unrelated. However, good, old-fashioned male privilege has created a situation where men feel relatively free to express these desires where women have to toe the line a little more and be what men hope we are. And straight men, of course, hope that we don't have a roaming eye. And a few fools actually seem to believe the "rather be knitting" myth.

Male privilege in this department has been whittled down considerably over time. Men can pretty much no longer expect to get away with philandering while demanding fidelity from their wives, so that's a start. But there's still many bad attitudes that need rooting out. The myth that women crave marriage and men crave freedom helps reinforce male dominance in a way that's especially cruel, since it's so personal. After all, when negotiating the myriad of compromises that go on in committed relationships, it's awfully helpful to have your partner feel like she should be grateful that you even bothered to show up in the first place.

510 Comments:

Blogger Anne said...

"Democrats ...are all excited over single women. Tell me something. How many of you know single women? ... How many of us who know single women know happy women? Let me tell you something. Is it not the case that most single women lust for marriage? ... If they don't they're lesbians, and even then they might aspire to marriage."

-- Radio Talk Show personality Rush Limbaugh, February 14, 2005, Valentine's Day, commenting on the election analysis by Women's Voices Women's Vote

2/18/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And aspiring to marriage is supposed to make a lesbian want to vote Republican??? OK, Rush, whatever.

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2/19/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you're a single woman and you want to get a rise out of people (and do, it's fun), tell them that you don't think of yourself as a settling down type. This is especially funny to do to a man who is fixing to take a drink of beer.Haha, I say that all the time when they ask me if I'm married, but sadly I have to say I get that question (are you married) and the puzzled look that follows the reply a lot more from women than men. I find in my case the are-you-married question comes up inevitably after how-old-are-you. Men don't ask your age, so they don't ask if you're married. (At least, in my experience, that hasn't happened. The rule is it's rude for a man to ask how old a woman is unless he's her doctor or something, and most men I know respect this rule, so they never get around to asking if you're married, also because it might come off as a kind of interested advance. They may ask if you have a boyfriend, if they're interested.)

I had this happen, let me see... at least five times only the past month. Last, at the hairdresser, the girl, 19, asked me how old I was, I said, 32, inevitably there followed, are you married, I said, not, she asked, why?, I was tempted to say "it's none of your bloody business", but you know, she was jsut asking matter of fact, and she had scissors in her hand and my scalp in the other so I had to comply ;) - but yeah, I kind of got the Bridget Jones look, I could imagine her thinking, "I hope I don't turn out a *spinster* by the time I'm 30"... It was funny but the kind of fun that comes from cringeing. Oh, she never even got to the "what do you for a living" question. She only asked why I wasn't marrying my boyfriend or even living with him. Like nothing else mattered. 2005, and this is what some girls still consider as priorities in life.

When you tell them, oh I'm just not the settling down type, they look at you like "oh ok" and move on to something else like you're a freak. Especially if it's other women already married and with children. Like they pity you or something. They may be running errands all day and have a husband that doesn't do fuck all in the house and children that are as spoilt as can be, but in front of you, they'll pretend it's really the best possible life and poor you for not enjoying the wonders of motherhood and marriage. Like you can't possibly have realised you're really, really not interested in all that.

This may sound a bit all to sex-in-the-citish, but well, I wish it was confined to fiction.

2/19/2005

 
Anonymous Jennifer said...

When I tell people I'm not the settling-down type, I get the same reaction that I do to saying I don't want children: "Oh, you'll change your mind!", combined with instant dismissal. Grr.

But seriously, why on earth would I want to "settle down?" Settling down to me is becoming The Mommy of The Family, because I'm the woman. Taking on all of the burdens of taking care of everyone around me, running myself ragged and depressed, because I'm the woman and that's what the women do when they settle down. I look around and see a lot of frazzled, miserable women who are The Mommy of The Family, and I think, "Why on earth would I want that for myself and want that to be my life? Getting married isn't worth that!"

But as Anon pointed out, everyone always claims that they're so happy in their life, so you should have it to. Ugh.

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Anonymous Jennifer said...

Grr. That's a "too," not "to." I hate that kind of error.

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Blogger rabbit said...

It really upsets me when I see these surveys where it says stuff like '75% of women in college put marriage as one of their top three life goals,' as I'm sure it does most of you. And it also pisses me off when people just won't accept that a woman doesn't want to get married, etc. There are too many women who put dating before anything else in their lives, and suffer for it. Its like its more important to find a guy than ANYTHING ELSE. Which drives me nuts.
However, I feel like sometimes in people's zeal to explain why its not for them, they come off like it shouldn't be for anyone, and I don't think that's fair. Its similar to how some child-free people, when they're constantly having to defend their decision, end up coming to the position that anyone with kids is a sucker. Both of which are silly and untrue, because there's legions of people out there who find genuine happiness in both their kids and their marriage without subsuming their identities or putting up with Mr.Burps-and-Farts-Lazy-Ass (though...I am a burping, farting minor-lazy ass and my boyfriend puts up with me, to be fair, so whatever with the stereotypes). Certainly I don't think its required to care at all about dating or the opposite sex (or same sex, as the case may be), or that you must be married to have your relationship be valid (that is SO obnoxious) or that either of these things make you weird. I can't condone trying to change yourself to attract this fantasy person (because either you're fake for the rest of your life, or they find out they married a lie, and neither = happy) or that ridiculous husband-chaser type of thinking...but what's wrong with maybe thinking how nice it would be if there's someone out there who really really gets me, and then likes, trusts and respects me enough to tie himself to me legally? Even in these sort of unflowery terms it sounds nice to me. But that's just me. (Also, as I was re-reading comments, this isn't to dig on Jennifer or anyone else...it just gets me that it seems like women are either marriage-obsessive or anti-marriage for the most part, and I don't see why it must be any way but 'this works for me, do what works for you.')

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is so nice to read that other women had the same ideals as me regarding marriage. I represent a unique demographic in that I have a child, but I've never married. Nonetheless, what I don't understand is why women still believe that to become a mother, one first must be married. I say to hell w/ marriage. Unlike men...sex is too easy to come by!
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