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Thursday, February 17, 2005

Books and partners

I got Nick Hornby’s book The Polysyllabic Spree as a Valentine’s gift and it’s even more amusing that I thought it would be. You know you’re a real nerd when you read books about reading books, and I just upped the quotient by turning around and blogging about reading a book about reading books. Hornby meanders all over the place, musing about so many different subjects that it’s downright inspiring to us fellow meanderers.

Anyway, Hornby mentions his family quite a bit in this book, dropping in references mostly to his children but occasionally to his partner. And every time he says the word “partner”, it jars me, as I imagine it would most American readers. Most word choice differences between Americans and the English are inconsequential, but I can’t help but wonder if there isn’t some significance to their willingness to use the word “partners” to describe an unmarried straight couple. In America, “partners” is sort of the consolation prize we’ve given to gay and lesbian couples who would be “spouses” in a more just society. But I don’t think that’s why straight unmarried couples necessarily avoid the word.

I for one gag on the word “partner” to describe my boyfriend. I pretty much only use it when filling out paperwork. It just seems so stuffy to me, even more tedious than the word “husband” would be. It seems kind of sexless. Lawyers have partners; I have a boyfriend. Makes me wonder if the Brits just don’t care to wear their sexual status on their sleeves. Or maybe it really is that Americans are pathetically youth-obsessed and the word “partner” just sounds too mature. I’m leaning towards the latter, especially seeing as how I have realized since cutting my hair short that I am beginning to go gray and it made me pout for a day or so. Which made me feel stupid—did I think it was never going to happen? Mortgage, gray hair, using the words “promotion” and “credit history” when talking to friends, and I balk at the word “partner”. Sad, really.

The irony of all this is that I have a sneaking suspicion that for Homophobic America, the word “partner” doesn’t sound stuffy and sexless at all, but instead invokes a delicious, sexy, forbidden world. Of course, unlike the oceanic gulf that changes the connotation of “partner” between America and England, people like me who think the word is stuffy are living and working next to people who flinch to hear it.

That thought does cause me to despair a little of people ever getting through to each other—when you can’t even use a word like “partner” without invoking wildly different reactions in people who all ostensibly speak the same language, how to speak in complete sentences and be understood? But hell, we have mountains of historical evidence that people do in fact manage to cross boundaries and change minds.

68 Comments:

Blogger FoolishOwl said...

I tend to prefer "partner," because "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" sound infantilizing. Someone I would live with, share the management of a household, converse with about adult subjects, and have sex with, should be considered more than a friend, and be rather more mature than a girl.

"Partner" sounds a bit too businesslike, but I haven't really heard a better term.

2/17/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Partner" always reminds me of law firms, too. I don't know about infantalizing, "boyfriend" & "girlfriend" rarely bring paedophilia to mind, but they do sound too casual for long term relationships.
Online, "b/f" and "g/f" always look a bit weird to me. g/f makes me wonder if people are writing about gif image tags.
b/f, I don't know, Biff, barf, best/friend,
bionic/fuckdoll, butter/face...
"Lady friend" and "man friend" sound like code words for escort.
"Old man" & "old lady" are confusing as well as demeaning. I'm usually not too sure if the person is referring to a spouse or a parent.
"Better half" seems disingenuous and these days reminds me of the GWipper.

Lately I've played it safe and stuck with "the old ball & chain" when speaking of my consort.

2/17/2005

 
Blogger Amanda Marcotte said...

I liked that post on the Minutement, Olaf, by the way. And how about "luv-ah"? You know, make people really squirm.

2/17/2005

 
Blogger Andygrrl said...

Partner. Ugh. I can't think of a more soul-less way to refer to someone you love than with a term used to describe business relationships.

I got it. Gays and lesbians should co-opt the word "spouse" and make straight married couples use "partner." It would be more accurate anyway.

Can't think of a better substitute. "Significant other" is unwieldly and oddly abstract. If I use "girlfriend" I have to distinguish between the girl I'm dating and a female friend.

"Lover" sounds vaguely illicit. Secret rendezvous in hotel rooms (hmm, then again, maybe it's not so bad after all...)

I suppose you could always use a pet name (Boopsie! Honey bun!) if you don't mind people rolling their eyes constantly (I hate pet names).

2/17/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think partner is ideal. If someone really wanted to ignore context, they could think you were talking about a business partner/law etc (although aren't they usually preceeded by the right qualifier?).

Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds far too teenage-ery, like I'm a reject from some crappy American teen movie. I'm an adult, I don't have a boyfriend.

I do have a problem with husband and wife. I don't really feel old enough to be a wife. The terms themselves are loaded and not perceived as equal, whereas we're both partners. Also I dislike the assumption that a heterosexual relationship has any more legitimacy than a homosexual one. Partner is equal regardless of gender or orientation.

Hopefully one day we will have a more romantic term to describe those in a relationship. Unfortunately lover sounds way to pretentious

2/17/2005

 
Blogger Scott Neigh said...

Another experience: For what it's worth in this UK vs. US discussion, I'm Canadian. I can't stand spousal terms -- they speak to me of hierarchical institutions like church and state regulating my interpersonal relationships, which I take vigorous offense to. I like "partner." It is mutual and it provides more space for different kinds of significant relationships, as opposed to the cultural baggage of what marriage is still supposed to be. I suppose I remember it feeling a little awkward when I first started using the word but that faded quickly. Certainly in the social environments in which I existed (before moving to Los Angeles) it was common, though those environments tended to be pretty progressive/activist/queer-positive, and I'm sure it would be seen as odd in other social environments in the same geographical area. Anyway, she with whom I live is my partner -- it's mutual, it thumbs its nose at church and state regulation of human relationships and sexuality, and it is what we make it.

2/17/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I generally use "boyfriend", but as others have pointed out, "partner" sounds much more grown up, so I tend to use that in a more "official" sense. And, to me, "partner" implies a depth of commitment that "boyfriend" doesn't - we're not simply boyfriend and girlfriend, we are truly partners, facing the world together and all that.

Being both mischievous and bi, I also like the potential confusion of leaving my "partner"'s gender unspecified. Broadening people's minds, one step at a time. :-)

-The Birdwoman
http://www.birdwoman.co.uk/blog

2/18/2005

 
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Partner allows for the mixed feelings. It is sexless but it makes you wonder about the person's sex life.

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