Advice for lying, deceitful women

Okay, I made it sound more dramatic than it is. But the MSN sexist advice du jour is all about when to lie to your man. They're talking about white lies today, not the big ones you tell when you're trying to get away with something. And the issue of white lies is a big one, because while male comedians go on and on and on about how men are put out by the occassional white lie told to a wife/girlfriend, women really are the masters at telling the white lie. Some of us clock in 4,576 white lies a day on average and are real masters at taking the temperature of the notorious male ego and feeding it the proper lie at the perfect time.
Okay, all mean-spirited humor aside, the whole subject of the white lie is interesting to me. Because everyone tells them. They are important building blocks of all relationships. If someone tells you he/she is always brutally honest with his/her partner, that person is lying to you right then. Even if you scrupously vet everything that comes out of your mouth for honesty, even if you try to answer direct questions truthfully, no matter how long and unnecessary a fight it will earn you, you're probably still telling lies of omission. Come home and the dishes aren't done and it pisses you off so you grumble while doing them but then decide to just blow it off, even though it really pissed you off? That's a lie of omission, my friends.
I've never seen much of a feminist analysis of white lies, and probably because they are such a gray area. Do women tell more white lies? Do they tell different ones? If so, is it because women have to puff up and flatter men way more than men ever have to puff up and flatter women? How often is self-preservation a part of it? And how many white lies come out of women's mouths because they know that what they really think will be denigrated anyway?
So, onto the alternatives that MSN offers for some standard white lies.

The lie: "You think I was flirting with Bob?! Don't be ridiculous!"
What to say instead: "Bob and I do flirt sometimes, but it doesn't mean anything. I have no intention of getting involved with him."

Yeah right. Don't flirt and if you do, don't get caught. I learned that lesson through a long, hard battle, so trust me on this one. There is absolutely nothing you can say to someone in a snit because he thinks you were flirting with some other guy that will make him feel better.

The lie: "You deserved that promotion."
What to say instead: "I'm sorry. I know how bad you must feel."

Interestingly enough, if you reversed the sexes, this would be a standard issue Mars and Venus piece of advice, to empathize instead of offer solutions or angry commentary. Funny how that advice is actually less gendered than your average self-help/advice writer would admit.

The lie: "Oh, ooh, ooooooooh, baby!"
What to say instead: "Honey, can we try this another way?"

As has been pointed out by people funnier than I could ever hope to be (Wanda Sykes), women don't necessarily fake it out of desire to preserve the male ego all the time. Sometimes you know it's not going to happen and you just would rather go to sleep. Trying it another way is defeating the purpose of getting to sleep. The proper answer (because yes, faking it is wrong) is, "I guess it's just not gonna happen tonight. Sorry."

The lie: "I love spending Thanksgiving with your family."
What to say instead: "I'll try to have a good time, but next year, please ask me before you make our holiday plans."

The alternative they give is pretty much a lie, too, since inside you're thinking, "What the fuck! Who told you that you get to make all the goddamn decisions without me?"

The lie: "Nothing's wrong. Why do you ask?"
What to say instead: "I'm upset, but it has nothing to do with you -- and I don't feel like talking about it right now."

I would suggest, "Are you sure you want to listen to me bitch about work for 3 hours?"

The lie: "Ha, ha, ha -- that's hysterical!"
Why the lie won't hurt: "Different people have different senses of humor, and your response acknowledges that," says Dr. Solomon. "By laughing at your partner's joke, you're shoring up his ego."
When to go for the truth instead: If you're consistently laughing when you're not amused, or if his jokes offend you.

This is extremely important. I beg of you, all women of the world, please stop laughing at men's jokes when they aren't funny. YOU'RE ONLY ENCOURAGING THEM. And it's not helping them in the long run. I have seen men in their 30s fall apart emotionally because they finally told a stupid joke to a woman who didn't laugh and it dawned on them, "My jokes aren't that funny." It's cruel, ladies. So, quit it.

The lie: "You're the best lover I've ever had."
Why the lie won't hurt: "It's a compliment that's bound to make him feel good," says Dr. Solomon. "There's nothing wrong with that."
When to go for the truth instead: If he is regularly lousy in bed.

My rule of thumb is, in bed, he's officially the only lover you've ever had. This rule will serve you well, I promise.

Cary Tennis tackles a similiar subject today. The woman who writes him is offended by her boyfriend's language and she is lying by omission about it. He offers really great, feminist-inspired advice. Go check it out.