Football widows

MSN tackles one of the modern man's most perplexing problems--what do you do about the fact that your woman, who has dedicated her entire life to you as a good, proper woman should, doesn't know how to shut up and get to making nachos when the game's on? The simple solution of finding a woman who has interests of her own is completely inadequate--after all, those interests might compete with her ability to give her man attention much in the same way that the football game distracts him from her. Instead, we have to explore ways to get her to shut the hell up about the football game.

Whether you’re on your couch or at the stadium, Sunday becomes synonymous with football — and you couldn’t be happier the season is starting. There is one person, however, who isn’t happy at all — your girlfriend. For her, football season invokes images of Sundays (and Monday nights) spent alone without you. It means no weekend getaways, parties, or family outings unless there is a television present. For your girlfriend, Sunday becomes synonymous with gloom.

For some reason, she can't enjoy weekend getaways, parties and family gatherings without her man. That or she's not allowed to attend these things without her man for fear that she may enjoy herself without him--perhaps in the arms of a man who prefers langorous Sunday mornings with breakfast in bed and plenty of sex over football?

For many relationships, whether it’s football, baseball, basketball, hockey or watching turtles race, sporting events are responsible for a lot of fighting, screaming and door slamming.

This is just an urban legend that's been disproven already.

When she starts to feel like your sports team is more important that she is, any hope you had for a relaxing Sunday is dashed before you can say “touchdown.”

And if you can't convince her that she's more important than the game you won't be able to enjoy the important thing, which is the game.

Your girlfriend is feeling jealous — even more jealous then she would be if she saw you talking to another woman. She understands that sports are a huge part of your life, and whether she just doesn’t understand the game or merely has no interest, she realizes she’s losing you to your other love.

Part of the problem might be that you masturbate three or four times during the game. Maybe you should scale back a little. I know John Madden has a sexy voice, but it's just inappropriate.

When you’re in a trance in front of the TV, she feels ignored and disconnected.

Women--why must they feel ignored when they're being ignored? So irrational. Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she could go visit her mom or her friends for once. I mean, how much trouble can a woman get into on a Sunday afternoon? Seems reasonable, but that's not one of these suggestions they give for making the football game less torturous. (If you can--personally, I think football was originally invented for torture, similiar to the way that cricket makes mockery of warfare.)

1. She needs to know that she is more important to you than the game — tell her that! You should definitely be able to watch the game when you want, but explain that she always comes first.

Try to avoid saying it like, "Yeah yeah yeah, of course you're more important than some stupid game. Now move--you make a better door than a window," or she might not believe the lie.

2. Make a date to spend quality time after the game. That way, she won’t feel like she has to compete with the game all day and night — she gets you right after.

The bonus benefit of this is you might even be able to get her to cook you something while she's waiting around for the game to end. You can remind her that football games drag on for eternity and never end even within the hour they're supposed to, what with the time-outs and all. What else is she going to do while waiting for the truncated date that was supposed to start at 7:00 but didn't get underway until 9:00 when the game finally ended?

3. Involve your girlfriend every once in a while. Invite her to a game or to tailgate with you and your friends. She might actually enjoy it — and you might enjoy having her there.

Luckily, all women are trained by their mothers and Cosmo magazine to fake interest in your boring speeches on why you think you'd make better calls than the coach.

4. Do a self-assessment. Has this taken over your life? Are you all sports, all the time? Maybe it’s time to take a week off.

Beware--if you are this far gone, by the time you lift your head out of a sports-induced fog you might find that your girlfriend left you months ago.

5. TiVo it. Record your game and watch it later that night so you don’t miss out on a beautiful day spent together.

I actually think this is good advice. Once again, the writers at MSN thwart me!

6. Make plans to do something that the two of you can take pleasure in together — then you are sharing a common interest.

As long as she knows that interest will be football, of course.

Honestly, football season may be the best argument for legalizing same-sex marriage there is. If there's this many men and that few women who can enjoy it, then it's cruelty to expect rapid football fans (mostly male) to marry non-football fans, especially considering how the games are on average two weeks long. Think about the rabid football fans you know--wouldn't some be happier just married to each other?